


Starting Over

by Stuff666



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, harry is big sad, hogwarts gives no shits about mental health, i swear there will be happiness at some point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2019-12-30 04:28:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18308198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stuff666/pseuds/Stuff666
Summary: Honestly, just another basic eighth-year Drarry fic, just with my own little spin on it. Hope you enjoy!If you had asked Harry Potter what he thought his life would be after the war, he would have told you three things: living with the Weasleys, visiting with Teddy and Andromeda, and beginning his Auror training. He never would have said diving back into life at Hogwarts, and discovering some things about himself along the way.





	1. Chapter One - A Letter

The letter was on aged parchment, the same as every Hogwarts letter he had ever received. Green ink, spiky letters, the Y in his name looping around on itself. There was nothing different about this letter. So why was he so surprised to be holding it? Harry shook his head, a little bewildered by the paper in his hand. A formal invitation to return to Hogwarts for an eighth year, to finish up the schooling Voldemort had taken from him. He sat down heavily on his bed, wondering what to do. The question was very nearly answered for him when a tall redhead burst into the room they shared.

“You got one too mate? We’re going back, yeah?” Ron’s tall form stood in the doorway, his blue eyes wide and a smile on his lips. “Hermione will be so pleased, she’s been hoping that we’d get a chance to go back, she’s so school obsessed. I wouldn't be surprised if she flooed over here later to talk about it. At the very least, she’ll write to us telling us we have no choice but to go back. You know how she is.”

In a puff of dust that caught in the golden sunlight, Ron fell onto his own bed, holding the letter high above his head. Harry just stared at him, eyes narrowed behind his glasses. Ron was going back, no question. He would do anything Hermione told him to, he was so stupidly in love with the girl. They had only been official for a few months, but their love for each other had run so deep and for so long that it was like they had been together for their whole lives.

Ron looked over at Harry, brow furrowed. “You are going to go back, right Harry?”

“I don't know mate, I’ll have to think it over.” Hogwarts had been the place of so many sorrows for Harry, and he knew it had been for Ron too. But the thought of stepping back in the stone halls of the place that had turned from home to tomb was a thought Harry wasn't quite ready to accept. “I’m gonna go for a walk, I’ll be back for supper. Tell your mum to not wait up for me.”

Ron nodded at him, eyes full of concern as Harry stood up and left the room. He slipped down the narrow halls and stairways of the Burrow, careful to avoid the closed door of Fred and George’s room, a door which rarely opened these days. He paused at Ginny’s door, tempted to open it, to talk to her, but he couldn't. This moment was one he needed for himself. Exiting the house without detection from Molly was no small feat, but he managed to get away without any questions. He wandered through the fields and trees surrounding the house before finding himself at his favourite place: the lake.

Seating himself along the shore, he pulled the letter from within his jeans pocket, where he had stuffed it before leaving the house. It was crumpled now, but a muttered spell and a flick of his wand had it smoothing out again. McGonagall’s familiar writing looked up at him, and each word felt like an accusation. He didn't deserve Hogwarts and the people within it. He didn't deserve to walk the halls where so many good people had died, good people that he could have saved, if only he had tried harder. He didn't want to go back and see the eyes of people who looked at him as the saviour, when really he was the one who had doomed them all to begin with.

He was about to crumple the letter in his fist when a familiar flowery scent washed over him and Ginny settled onto the ground next to him. Her head soon became a soft weight on his shoulder, one that was not unwelcome but felt strange nonetheless. Their relationship was unsure, nothing confirmed or denied. His mind wasn't in the place for a relationship, but he enjoyed spending his time with her when they could sneak away from Molly’s watching eyes.

“Are you going to come back in September?” Her voice was soft, as familiar as Ron’s. “I know Ron is, and I’ll be going. If you don't come, you’ll be left here with mum, dad, and George. I know you would never have a problem with that, but being alone with them seems like a lot of sadness in one house.” Her voice lilted up in a sort of half laugh, and Harry grinned a little despite himself.

“Are they going to be okay by themselves?” He asked, curious about how the three would do when left alone with their grief and no one else.

Ginny thought for a moment, “Yeah, I think Bill and Fleur are going to move back for a few months, just to make sure everything is going smoothly without us. They’re leery about leaving them alone too. Without Freddie, George isn’t doing well, hell none of us are, but George most of all. Mum doesn’t know what to do. I almost think having all of use out of the house might help. She could devote her time to George instead of all of us.”

Harry nodded, his head heavy. He felt guilty for everything this wonderful family had endured for him, and he realized with a small pang of pain that him leaving the house would mean he wasn't a burden. Turning to look at Ginny, he smiled softly. “I guess I’ll come back then. I’ll tag along with everyone to King’s Cross, get myself back into the swing of normal life.” His smile was little more than a ghost when Ginny threw her arms around him, and he was glad she couldn't see it fade.

And as she kissed him and they fell back into the long grass, he was glad that she could not see into his head, which was repeating the words _I don't deserve this_ over and over and over.


	2. The Hogwarts Express

The swirling steam of the Hogwarts Express was as familiar to Harry as the back of his own hand, but he found it taking his breath away nonetheless. He had never thought he would be back there, yet here he was. Hand gripped tightly by Hermione, Ron grinning brightly on the other side of her as he looked all over for their friends. They had received letters over the summer, talking about who was coming back and who wasn't. Out of the Gryffindor kids, there was Seamus, Dean, Neville returning. Parvati had never said for sure, and Lavender had been in St. Mungo’s since the war ended. He had no idea about any of the other houses, as he was never really friends with any of them.

The platform was crowded, and people kept bumping into his trolley, nearly upsetting his luggage a few times and upsetting the small snake curled up in its cage. His ability to speak parseltongue had mostly vanished with the removal of Voldemort’s soul, but some remained and he chose to teach himself what he couldn't naturally remember. When he had found the small sunbeam snake in Diagon Alley, he fell in love with it. After one harsh bump, he opened the cage and Abacus curled around his arm. Hermione shot him a small smile as she noticed.

“Harry, Ron, Hermione!” a shout comes from off to the side, and when all three of their heads turn, they spot Dean running towards them, dragging a breathless Seamus behind him. “Why am I not surprised to see you three together?”

“And why am I not surprised to see you two together? You’ve been inseparable since the War ended.” Ron laughs, and Hermione chimes in too. Harry just stares at them blankly, unsure of what to say. He had not known the two were inseparable. What else had he missed while he was locked in the house?

Dean presses a kiss to Seamus’s temple. “Hey, what can I say? Near-death makes you realize things.” Seamus’s laugh was bright and beautiful, and his response kiss to Dean’s cheek was sweet.

Oh. That’s something he missed. His cheeks heated. He had been so lost in himself that he had missed the lives of his friends progressing. Casting his gaze down, he stares at the rainbow shimmer in Abacus’ scales. Rainbow seems appropriate for the moment, he thinks with a small laugh. When he looks up again, he sees that all eyes are trained on him

“How’re you doing Harry?” Seamus asks in a soft voice, his eyes big and concerned. “How was your summer?”

“Yeah, it was good. I’m good. Great actually.” his words are forced, but he knows the boys won't notice it. Hermione and Ron, sure, but not them. “So you two? You’re…”

“Dating, yeah. Is that a problem mate?” Dean’s voice is icy, and Harry was quick to shake his head.

“No, of course not. I just never saw it coming.” he smiles, then looks at the time. “Ack, we should get on the train, it’s ten to.”

The group scrambles to get their things loaded onto the train, trying to find an empty compartment for the five of them. When none are to be found, Seamus and Dean split off and go sit with some eighth year Ravenclaws and the trio find themselves standing at the entrance to a mostly empty compartment. Inside, there is a hunched figure curled up under the window, quill darting across a piece of parchment spread across their lap. Not knowing who it is, Ron knocks on the glass to get their attention. When the head snaps up, everyone in the trio stiffens.

Draco Malfoy stares at them for a moment before shooting straight up and running out of the compartment. After a quick exchange of looks, the three shrug and take their seats. Ron and Hermione quickly start talking, but Harry can’t stop thinking about the fear that had flashed across Malfoy’s face when he saw them. Sure, they were not friends, but Harry had testified for him at the trial that had taken place over the summer. Had testified for both him and Narcissa. She had saved his life, after all. He had owed her a debt. He had thought that would at least earn him a simple “Hello” from the boy.

But then again, Harry didn't deserve much of anything anymore.

***

When the train pulled into the station at Hogsmeade, Harry had to be shaken awake by Ron. He had drifted off long before they arrived, exhausted by social interaction and lack of sleep for the days leading up to their departure. Seeing the familiar landscape perked him up, however, and he was soon bounding out of the train, Hermione and Ron trailing behind him, holding hands. Feeling lighter than he had in months, his mood was further improved by the sight of Ginny coming out of the train, trailed by Luna and Neville. He ran over to them, picking Ginny up and spinning her around, her laughter filling his ears.

“Well, someone’s in a good mood today.” she said with a laugh, kissing his cheek once he set her down.

“We’re back, Gin. back here. I never thought I’d so much as see it again. Yet here we are.”

“Here we are indeed.” she takes his hand in hers, and he sighs happily. Maybe all of his worries were unfounded. He should never have been stressed to come back, scared of dredging up old, awful memories. It was all going to be fine, he knew that now.

But when the carriage he shared with Ginny, Neville, and Luna swung around the corner and he saw Hogwarts for the first time since the war, his heart stopped momentarily. His throat closed up, and all he could think of was the death that had filled that old castle, the screams that had rang through the night. Screams of pain, of grief, of horrible raging anger.

And then he was screaming, screaming, screaming, and there were hands on his face, his hair, his arms, holding him, trying to calm him, trying to stop the blood curdling screams that were spilling out of his mouth, but it wasn't until a soft, barely familiar voice muttered a spell that sent a wave of calm over him did he finally stop, did he snap out of it. As someone pressed a cool glass bottle to his lips and a sleeping potion was forced down his throat, he caught a glimpse of cool silver eyes locked on his.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try updating every Sunday, which means I'll hopefully be posting again in a couple of days. This chapter was supposed to be posted a while ago, life just got busy and I lost my laptop charger. Let's hope I can stat posting regularly now!


	3. Welcome Back

When Harry’s eyes finally fluttered open, he found himself in an all too familiar room, in a bed that he was pretty sure was molded to his body at this point. The hospital wing had changed slightly since the last time he had seen it, but it was still recognizable to someone who had been there more times than he could count. Madam Pomfrey stood over him, smiling brightly once she caught sight of his eyes opening.

“Oh good, you’re awake Mr. Potter!” her voice, as always, was overly cheery. “You’ve only been out for a half-hour or so, you haven't even missed the feast. Mr. Weasley is waiting outside, it was a real trouble to get him to leave.” and with that, she bustled off, probably going down to the feast as well. 

Swinging himself upright, Harry couldn't help but be puzzled about her overly nonchalant attitude about him. He couldn't remember much of what happened, but he remembered the horrible, awful fear that had risen in him, and having to be knocked unconscious. A vague memory tugged at the back of his mind of an unfamiliar pair of eyes, but he couldn't place them so he pushed it aside and stumbled out of the room. 

Ron stood straight up from the chair he had been resting on, rushing over to Harry. “Are you alright? Ginny is in a right state, she told me that you just lost it mate, and nothing they did would snap you out of it.”

“Did the whole school see it?” was the first thing in his mind. Had the school year just started, and he was already the laughing-stock of it?

“Nah, you guys were right near the end with us, so it was really just ‘Mione and the boys that saw it. And…” he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck. He started walking as if he was trying to avoid finishing his sentence. 

“And who, Ron?’

“Malfoy, and Parkinson. They saw too. They were in the carriage behind us. When we stopped, they came to see what was wrong.”

“Oh great, that's exactly what I need.” rolling his eyes, Harry pushed past him and continued down to the Great Hall.

“Wait, Harry, aren't we going to talk about what the hell happened? You just started screaming. We thought you had been stabbed or something crazy like that.” Ron chased after him, his eyes wide and his hands reaching out to Harry, to catch him and hold him still, but Harry ducked away and kept walking. 

“Ron, it was nothing. I think I fell asleep, had a nightmare or something. It’s no big deal. I’m fine.” he nodded, voice tight and smile even tighter. He was in no mood to talk about the mental breakdown he just had. He kept his head down so that Ron couldn't see the fear that was in his eyes. He had no idea what had just happened, truly, and he had no desire to relive it to try and figure it out. The arcing panic he had felt was new and totally overwhelming, and he didn't think it had fully gone away. He just had no interest in sharing that with Ron at the moment. No need to make his friend worry more than he probably;y already was. “Can we just go down to the feast? Please?”

Ron nodded, then slung an arm around Harry’s shoulders. “It’s just like old times, eh? Not even a day and all hell is breaking loose.” he chuckled, and Harry tried to laugh too. He hoped it didn't sound as fake as it felt. 

When they reached the Great Hall, Harry made to go sit at the Gryffindor table, but Ron shook his head. “Nah mate, we eighth years have our separate table now. Apparently, we're going to be living in separate quarters too.” he steered them towards a fifth student table along the wall, where they took a seat in between Hermione and Dean. The table was small, as only fourteen students were sitting around it. Harry scanned their faces, marking who had come back. 

Seamus, Dean, Neville, Ron, Hermione, Hannah, Justin, Padma, Anthony, Pansy, Daphne, Blaise, and Draco. That was it. They were the only eighth year students at Hogwarts, the only ones who had returned. He could see on their faces that they were all happy to be once again within these walls, but that they were all also shaken up. All around the Great Hall were signs that people were shaken up to be there, but no one else had collapsed just from seeing it. Once again, he was the weak one. It was like the third year all over again. 

He kept his head down, looking at the empty gold plates in front of him until McGonagall had finished the sorting and taken up her position at the head of the room. Once she started speaking, he raised his head to watch her. 

“Welcome, everyone, to a new year here at Hogwarts. A few changes have been made to the school this year that I would like to address before everyone gets tucked into the Welcome Feast. First off, I would like to welcome some new teachers to our staff. Professor Olivia Grace, teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts; Professor Daniel Reilley, teaching Transfiguration, and Professor Ophelia Barrow, teaching Muggle Studies. Professor Barrow is also the new Head of Gryffindor house, as I can no longer hold the role as I am Headmistress. Our new Deputy Headmistress is Professor Sprout.” at her words, the various professors stood up and waved. The Hufflepuff students cheered loudly at hearing their Head was now Deputy, and the Gryffindors all craned their heads to get a better look at their new Head. 

“I would also like to welcome back our eighth-year students. This is the first time that Hogwarts has ever had the eighth-year, and as such, you will all be living in different quarters than you’re used to. I will show you where to go after the feast.” she nodded in the direction of their table, and smiled. “Lastly, I want to remind everyone that this castle is still under repair after the horrific events of last May. Sections of the building are closed off and out of bounds because of those repairs, so I would ask that everyone obey those rules. The forest remains out of bounds unless escorted by a teacher, and the list of forbidden items is posted outside of Mr. Filch’s office. And now, dig in!” food pops up on the plates, and the gasps of first years can be heard as McGonagall takes her seat. Everyone begins to dig in, except Harry. 

Turning to Ron and Hermione, he furrows his brow. “Don't you think it’s odd that she made no mention of the battle, except when talking about the repairs?”

“Oh Harry, I’m sure she just didn't want to bring up bad memories. I mean, just look at what happened when you saw the castle. I’m sure she just didn't want the same thing happening to anyone else.” Hermione reached around Ron and patted him on the shoulder. “I’m sure there’s nothing else to it. Eat up.” and with that, she turned back to her food and began to eat, talking to Ron between bites.

Harry picked at his food, not satisfied with her answer. The battle needed to be talked about if only to commemorate those that were lost, and it just seemed like everyone was sweeping it under the rug. Everyone throughout the Hall was chatting, talking with their friends like nothing had happened, like this very Hall hadn't been filled with the injured and dead only four months ago. These very floors had been soaked with blood, and everyone just ate their food like to was nothing. All the relaxation he had felt on the train was completely and utterly gone. He glanced down the table once and came into direct contact with a pair of silver eyes. Draco’s eyes. The boy attached to those eyes gives him a swift nod. A confirmation that yes, he had helped Harry, and no, he wasn't going to talk about it. Not to Harry, and not to anyone else. 

***

True to her word, McGonagall leads the small group of eighth years to their new dorm. The rooms were on the second floor and much larger than anyone had been expecting. There was a shared common room, complete with a fireplace and many, many squashy chairs. The professor showed them their rooms, one per student, each magically expanded to include private bathrooms. “And if anyone should have any complaints, please come to me. This is your home, and I want you all to be comfortable. Now, off to bed, all of you.” McGonagall bade them goodnight and was gone as fast as she arrived. 

A look passed between everyone as they stood there in the common room. Never had this many students from different houses been jammed together like this, and no one knew what to say to break the silence. So they all broke off into their own little groups, going off to find the rooms with their names on it. Harry found himself standing in front of his door, a silent Pansy Parkinson standing at the door next to him. She shot him a dirty look as if being stuck that close to him was a fate she would never wish on anyone. He could understand that. 

As he settled himself into bed, too tired to bother unpacking his trunk, too tired to do anything other than run a finger down Abacus’s scaled back, he couldn't help replaying that look over and over in his head. Was this what his year was going to be like? He hoped not. He had enough self-loathing. He didn't need everyone else's hatred on top of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! sorry for taking forever to update this, my laptop broke and i only recently got a new one. i hope you enjoy this chapter, and hopefully i'll be updating regularly from now on. let me know what you think!!


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